Miss Evelynne

It's the middle of the night. Evelynne is snuggled up on my chest asleep. 

In just a few hours she will be two years old - though she's been acting two for months now ;) 

 

::Birthday letter:: 

Dear sweet Evelynne, 

In the morning you will be two!! 

I cannot believe just how quickly you have gone from being placed on my chest -just moments old- to being a talkative, outgoing, independent (almost) two year old.

I love watching you explore, create, and play. 

Hearing new words come out of your mouth has become a daily thing and each time I am more and more amazed at how quickly you pick things up. 

You already have such a funny personality and have developed a quit wit and silly sense of humor. 

You are very attached to your mommy. You spend most of the day making sure I am within reach and you make it very clear when I has strayed too far for your liking. :) 

You are the sweetest little love (most days) you hug and kiss everyone. You randomly come snuggle and kiss me during the day and tell me you love me at least 20 times a day. 

But just cause you are tiny and sweet doesn't mean you don't stand up for yourself and, BOY, do You have a temper when things don't go your way.. ;)

I'm a little sad that age one has come and gone so quickly but I am excited to see what changes come out way during this next year of your life. 

Happy birthday, my sweet baby. 

I love you to the moon! 

-mommy 

Reality.

Can I be real for a minute? Is that okay to do? 

Most of the "being a mommy" articles I've read lately talk about how wonderful being a parent is and how every moment is amazing. 

I don't know about anyone else but I feel like these articles are there to make me feel like I'm not doing enough. The pictures that go along with them are these perfect spotless homes, perfectly dresses kids, stylish moms with flawless hair and makeup... If only that were my reality. 

I get that motherhood is a blessing and kids are tiny miracles but sometimes those tiny miracles make me wanna rip out my hair. 

If you came to my house right now you would find toys everywhere, sipping cups soaking in the sink, crayon artwork on most of my walls and piles of laundry in each of our bedrooms. 

I am a neat freak. I LOVE LOVE LOVE when my house is spotless and smells like Lysol.

 BUT the reality of having 3 to 4 kids daily under 4 with 2 in 2 separate preschools is that my house is rarely clean. 

And the majority of the time I'm too exhausted to clean so I just sit in the midst of the mess trying my best not to cry, or scream. 

Being a mom raising two kids and watching other kids full time is overwhelming at times. 

YES,  it's a joyous, wonderful, meaningful  blessing I've been given just being a mom. 

And YES, I am lucky enough to be able to help with my neice and nephew as well as stay home to raise my own kids. 

But good gosh it is hard. 

I don't get days off, date nights are few and far between (finding a babysitter when you are seen as the babysitter is next to impossible), And I can't even remember the last time I slept through the night. 

Not everyday is wonderful. 

Somedays are down right dreadful. 

I guess what I am getting at is motherhood isn't picture perfect all the time, there are moments and those little moments of joy are what carry us through the rest of it. 

I just wish that magazines and Pinterest would just stop making it look like life as a mom is perfect. 

It is wonderful and amazing. 

But rarely is it perfect. 

Change

I knew that a change in my attitude would result in a change in my kids attitudes and my nieces too. 

I knew that positivity is contagious. 

But I never imagined the change it would make in my marriage. In my husband, to be specific. 

Now I'm not talking about a huge, mind blowing type change I'm talking about a change in the little things. 

Helping me with chores without me asking for help, giving me time alone after the kids go to bed (which is so needed when your life revolves around others), he even opened the car door for me the other day. Which on its own is a small miracle. (He has not done that since before our wedding. 5years ago) 

The way he talks to me has changed and the way he looks at me has changed. 

It is amazing how a change i made for myself has effected everyone around me. 

I have not felt better about myself, my life, and my marriage before. 

And it not like something drastic had to change. 

I chose to be happy.

 I chose to be positive. 

I chose to be a better person. 

It was that simple. :)

Positivity

"Positive thoughts generate positive feelings and attract positive life experiences."

My life can be a bit stressful. And a bit depressing. 

I'm alone a LOT with 2 to 4 kids under the age 4. 

And while I'm never actually alone I feel lonely quite often. 

Last year there were a few days where negative thinking got the best of me. 

And I've chosen to do things differently this year (school year). 

Positivity is contagious. 

I have found over the last few weeks that if I wake up with a positive attitude my kids "catch" it. Then when I act positively towards my niece Gwenny (instead of being half asleep and rather indifferent like I have done in the past) when I get her out of her car each morning she reacts positively. Which in turn makes my day a whole lot easier. 

Positive reassurance is also helpful around my house... For some reason everytime I try to go to the bathroom or get a drink I have a herd of children chasing me, screaming and crying because for some reason (even my kids)  think I'm leaving them. 

So we say lots of "I love you"'s "I'm right here" "I'm not leaving" and "you can come too"'s 

Seems to help with the group emotional breakdowns. 

--

Today when I dropped Gwenny off with my mother in law she (Gwen) did not want me to leave her. I was holding her and as soon as we walked in the house she squeezed my arm tight and started pointing to me (her way of saying she wants to stay with you) and waving "bye bye" to grandma. Which is very unusual (She LOVES her grandma!). But honestly, I loved it. 

I love that I have been able to develop such a great relationship with her and that she has grown kind of attached to me. 

It's amazing how a positive action like that from a child can make you feel so loved! 

 --

Lately at the end of our busy days (or in the morning while kids eat breakfast when ben is home) I do a quick yoga session to help relax and center myself. 

Seriously, it has helped a ton! 

My attitude has changed, the way I talk to my husband and children has changed, and the way I feel about myself is changing. 

Positive thoughts and actions create a positive atmosphere. 

Try a little harder - To be a little better

Today was interesting.

I found myself frustrated by my 3 year olds frustrations. 

Funny how that works, huh? 

The harder she tries to tell me what she needs or how she feels the harder it becomes to understand her. 

The simplest miscommunications between us can cause chaos. 

Tempertantrums. 

Tears. 

Feet stomping. 

The whole nine-yards. 

Things that seem meaningless to me, in my hurry to get from point A to point B. 

Are things that can easily ruin my child's day. 

From grabbing the "wrong" box of Popsicles. 

To giving her pjs that she just doesn't want to wear. 

Frustrations seem to be everywhere. 

What really got to me today was a melt down over something important. 

You see, baby gave me a kiss then I turned away to finish my chore. 

Suddenly Chloie was screaming. 

Bright red face and crocodile tears.

And because I could not even begin to guess what had upset her I started to get upset too. 

Which made it even harder for both of us.  

So. It took me a while to calm her. 

Finally, Between sobs, she said "you didn't give me a kiss too! I need loves too!" 

My heart sunk. 

I don't remember her asking for a kiss. 

And to see her so upset over it... 

Broke my heart. 

How frustrating it must be to be so little and have such big feelings. 

Just another reason for me to try a little harder, to be a little better. 

The "compairing bug"

I've been sick for the last little while. 

..okay.. I've been sick for most of my life. 

But lately it has been getting worse. 

This illness, at times, completely consumes me. 

I call it "the comparing bug" and i would like nothing more then to be rid of it.

But everywhere I look some one has something "better" then I do. 

Their pictures are prettier. 

Their hair is perfect. ALL. THE. TIME.

Their house is - bigger, cleaner, artsier... 

Their voices are amazing. 

Their kids dress like mini models. 

Their husbands are home A LOT. 

They're closer with their family. 

They have countless friends. 

They get to work/ further their education.

They have FREE time...

And I can't seem to stop myself from day dreaming or being bright green with envy. 

What is wrong with me?!

Nothing. The answer is : nothing. 

We all do it. 

It's "normal" 

And therein lies the problem. 

I find that the more time I spend on social media the sicker I get. Because people don't post pictures of dirty dishes piled up in the sink, or laundry covered floors, or messy haired-makeup less-pimple covered-I've had it with being a mom selfies. 

People want compliments and "likes" they want people to think their lives are picture perfect at all times. Because what they are seeing on their feed is YOUR perfect life.  Imagine that. 

I like to think that I don't contribute to this cycle but I most likely do... in one way or another. Or maybe I don't... Maybe I make people feel better about themselves... 

I'll never know. 

Because we don't talk about. 

We all walk around acting perfect. 

Not admitting that we ate ice cream for breakfast, We have OCD (which is the ONLY reason our house is clean), we drank way too much diet coke today, we have not washed our hair in a week... 

Or maybe that's just me...

I think we are all so jealous of other peoples "perfection" that we are all afraid of being judged for not being as perfect. 

I am going to try to spend less time on social media and more time being happy. 

Because i am sick of being sick. 

And the best way to get better is to accept and enjoy all the imperfections surrounding me. 

With that being said... 

I won't judge you for being imperfect. In fact I may just smile, hug you, and invite you over for a dirty diet coke drinkin', still in our pjs, and rocking messy buns while our kids run around half dressed covered in mud kinda play date . ;) 

Cause that is how I roll... 

5 years down :)

June 27th, 2009 I kneeled across an altar in the Salt Lake City LDS temple from a guy who had, with very few words, swept me off my feet and I became "mrs. Ben Andrus". 

Oh how so much can change in 5 short years. 

From being young and in love to being... A little less young and more devoted and more in love than I could have dreamed. 

Those two kids who knelt in that temple could not have begun to imagine where they'd be in 5 years. 

Two babies? No way!

A career change or two? Na! 

Fire academy, boot camp, engineer school all in less then 3 years while juggling jobs and two kids?! Yikes! 

Arguments? Temper tantrums? Potty training? Puppy raising? Selling our first home and buying a second? 

If you had asked me then if I could handle all of this I would have flat out said NO. I had plans. 

Oh, how god laughs when we make plans... 

5 years later. 

Two beautiful, happy, healthy little girls. 

A lovely home.

And a man by my side. who I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, will always be there. Supporting his family, loving his wife, & treasuring our kids. 

5 years ago I was in love. 

Today I am head over heels in love, 

With out a doubt in my mind that I chose the right man to love and grow with. 

Happy anniversary Ben! :)